Robert Pattinson Flustered By Over-The-Top Hair Stylists: Satirical Article, what do you think?

I wrote this satirical report on robert pattinson's hair..haha, modeled it off stuff like The Union. like trying to use humor to prove a point. to show how ridiculous and trivial ';hair'; is in a society, or just celebs in general. well anyways ya here u go! leave comments!



LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA--- Uncomfortable with the unwarranted amount of obsessive hair stylists at the Oscars last week, Robert Pattinson said Tuesday that his gelled and styled hair would have flattened right on the spot if an unruly hand of a notorious hairdresser happened to touch it.



Yelling to reporters 10 feet away, the star of the Twilight films explained that he had to take desperate measures and keep his distance ever since he became the “world’s hottest vampire”, according to Seventeen magazine.



“The females are the worst. They claw at me like they’re scraping at their prey! Let’s leave that to the werewolves, everyone!” said the unfortunate hair-ridden celebrity, while thanking his bodyguard for adjusting his protective hairnet he has been forced to wear.



“You can look,” Pattinson added, “Just don’t bite.”



This British chick-magnet reportedly has been seen by Stephenie Meyer, the author of the Twilight books, stealing hair product from his girlfriend on-set of the new Twilight movie “Eclipse”. Sources have indicated that [Kristen Stewart] is to blame for her boyfriend’s unlucky situation.



“I feel like a complete werewolf. To think that Patty (Kristen’s grungy nickname for the innocent Robert) is wearing a hairnet because of my leave-in-conditioner...I just don’t know what to say,” she testified on Monday. A local Starbucks employee later accounted that he heard the uncontrollable “normal girl” (Kristen is a typical human in Twilight) divulging to her ex, Michael Angarano, “The Volturi are going to murder me!”



Poor Robert, struggling desperately to keep the crazy hairdressers away from his luscious locks, explained to People magazine that he suspected Kristen and Michael to be hairdressers as well.



Sources have confirmed that there is a 16% chance of this to be true; therefore Pattinson is filing a lawsuit against the wretched ex-pair.



Pattinson ended his interview with the melancholy, “I feel like everyone I know is going completely bonkers. And frankly, I don’t really wash my hair.”Robert Pattinson Flustered By Over-The-Top Hair Stylists: Satirical Article, what do you think?
LOL. That was fun.